I admit it, this blog has suffered. Greatly. It is partly intentional, partly unintentional. I still make an effort to not let my life be controlled by the monster. Yep, 5 years later it's still a valid, constant fight. So I don't write, research, or concentrate on melanoma for as many days as I can... in a row. Luckily, those days are slowly adding up to more each time. But there's always something that ends the streak.
A quick update since I wrote forever ago...... I still go in for biopsies about every 4 months. Sometimes, 3 months and rarely 6 months. The biopsies are a mix of "punch" sites and "shave" sites. So, I end up with a few stitches each time. No biggie, I got this routine down. I've yet to take out a single stitch but that's more because I want to be a good patient and less about not knowing how. And it's a set of eyes on me one more time even though it's only about 5 minutes.
So, to "the first" this last visit. In previous blogs, I've written about my on-going 50% benign/dysplastic rate. The visit last week led to two sites being biopsied but one of them had already been biopsied about a year ago. The "mole" had grown back through the site. The last time this occurred (on my back), the second biopsy revealed that the monster was just a few cells from rearing its ugly head. After a long talk with the doctor, we decided to play it safe and re-biopsy the site since it had been mildly atypical the first time. The second site was on my upper back area about 4 inches above my original site.
The doc's assistant called a few days later and I braced for impact because it was too quick of a phone call. And wouldn't you know it, both sites were benign. BOTH! I haven't had a full set of benign results EVER in this battle. I couldn't believe my ears but I listened to the voicemail several times. It's definitely a first that I'll take but don't kid yourself about it helping me to relax on trusting the monster to not be hiding still.
My heart still doesn't trust the results. The news seems too good to be true. This is what survivors talk about in always expecting the worst, bracing for it, and not believing it won't happen again. I totally get that now since I'd never had this experience before. Again, more learning that no one can explain fully to you until you go through it yourself. Instead of thinking I'm "getting healthier" I think, "We missed it this time" and "am I targeting the wrong sites." And having regular, atypical results constantly remind me the monster is hiding.
Yes, I'll enjoy my benign results. My next visit is 4 months away... 24 days before my 5th anniversary. I already have a site that is freaking me out but I'll wait to see if it's a legit fear or the paranoia getting the better of me again. I'll write more about what facing 5 years is doing to my brain in the next entry. It's ain't pretty and deserves a full brain vomit on the page.
