Tomorrow is the day of my 3 month "check-up." I'm not sure what to expect. Another series of biopsies? Nothing? More time? I just don't know. And I don't even have any expectations right now, which is an odd feeling. All of my other visits has been preceded with me bracing myself for something. Maybe bad news, maybe biopsies, any other thing. This visit is one where I have no idea what to expect. I'm in unchartered waters right now in this battle.
I will say that I have two moles I don't like (more than the rest, of course). I try not to spend too much time in the mirror. I've started a walk away policy with myself that I can only stand there for a short time and then I'm done. No matter what. And I don't go back for at least an hour. It has helped reduce some paranoia but not all.
I'm going tomorrow with an open mind and no expectations, but I'm still scared. That's probably because I don't know what to expect or what to prepare for.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Paranoia in a new form
These last few weeks have been a little bit of a professional roller coaster. I got a new student who changes everything. And I mean Everything! I think I've grown more this last few weeks as a teacher than all my time before. This is why I've been scarce.
So, it's November. The month of my next check up/in. You guessed it. The stress level in my world is going up. No, I don't have any reason to be more worried today than I was last week (in October). Yes, I still have spots I don't like. Actually, I don't like any of my spots but some more than others. Yes, I'm prepared for more biopsies.
I have been worried the last few weeks about the lymph node issue. I will freely admit right now that most of this is in my head. I know, I get it, I own it.... but I'm going to share anyways. I know it'll help me and maybe it'll help someone else.
I started dealing with sporadic night sweat issues in the spring. I wrote it off as peri-menopause since I was (now am) turning 40. Late this summer and this fall, I feel like I am constantly fighting off a cold. I keep writing this off because I am a teacher and my kids are in two more classrooms full of germ-y little bodies. But yet, I can't shake the worry that these match a few, and only a few, of the symptoms the experts said to watch out for. Did I have them before that visit, yes. Is it related to the melanoma, most likely not. But I worry still. I can tell my worrying is hitting an unhealthy level because my sleeping patterns have taken a recent turn for the worse.
So, I'm not sure where to go now. Do I speed up my scheduled visit to deal with this sooner than later? Or do I give myself the rest of the month to work through my own self-inflicted paranoia? There's no right or wrong answer, until after the results. It's the old "hindsight is 20/20" saying. I think I'm going to start with a call to my cancer-posse and get that sounding board to work my way through this. They won't tell me what to do but help me figure out what decision works best for me.
So, it's November. The month of my next check up/in. You guessed it. The stress level in my world is going up. No, I don't have any reason to be more worried today than I was last week (in October). Yes, I still have spots I don't like. Actually, I don't like any of my spots but some more than others. Yes, I'm prepared for more biopsies.
I have been worried the last few weeks about the lymph node issue. I will freely admit right now that most of this is in my head. I know, I get it, I own it.... but I'm going to share anyways. I know it'll help me and maybe it'll help someone else.
I started dealing with sporadic night sweat issues in the spring. I wrote it off as peri-menopause since I was (now am) turning 40. Late this summer and this fall, I feel like I am constantly fighting off a cold. I keep writing this off because I am a teacher and my kids are in two more classrooms full of germ-y little bodies. But yet, I can't shake the worry that these match a few, and only a few, of the symptoms the experts said to watch out for. Did I have them before that visit, yes. Is it related to the melanoma, most likely not. But I worry still. I can tell my worrying is hitting an unhealthy level because my sleeping patterns have taken a recent turn for the worse.
So, I'm not sure where to go now. Do I speed up my scheduled visit to deal with this sooner than later? Or do I give myself the rest of the month to work through my own self-inflicted paranoia? There's no right or wrong answer, until after the results. It's the old "hindsight is 20/20" saying. I think I'm going to start with a call to my cancer-posse and get that sounding board to work my way through this. They won't tell me what to do but help me figure out what decision works best for me.
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