Next appointment

I'm simply here to vent. This will not be a deep, well thought out post. Or at least I don't think so.  I just need to process my thoughts.

My next appointment is in 1 month.  It's 3 months from the last one.  It'll mean another biopsy or three.  It's been that way for many months now but yet, it still brings out my sense of worry and paranoia.  I keep waiting for it to not bother me, but it still does.  And after reading many, many blogs I feel like I'm not alone.

So, what now you ask?  My worry comes from what spot to biopsy this time.  It should seem simple right? If a mole or spot fits those "A,B,C,D's" it is suspicious..... but that's just it.  I have so many moles that do it's hard to decide which one is the worst.  And it doesn't help that half of my biopsies have come back benign and half dysplastic (as in starting to change but not the monster yet).

I've talked before about my 5 minute rule.  When I stand at the mirror and let my worries take over when examining my skin, I give myself 5 minutes to examine and then I walk away.  I won't come back for an hour.  Silly as it is, it works............ usually.  These last few days I've been coming back after that hour. And looking at it again.  And wondering what spot might kill me.

That's what it boils down to.  An uneducated guess about which mole contains the monster.  And which moles do not.  Even my doctor does not have the answer and she's no more comfortable with that than me.  How do I find peace with my skin being biopsied when there's no more than an uneducated guess to go on?  This is where I wish research and technology were more advanced. I wish a skin-type MRI could show the monster. Or maybe a special dye would turn the monster spots neon green (or pink or purple or whatever).  Unfortunately, it doesn't exist yet.  I'm an optimist and believe it's coming.  I just don't know if I have time to wait for it.

So, I worry. I stand in front of the mirror for way too long. I worry if the monster is hiding in my skin waiting for me to relax.  I can't let the paranoia take over but I can't ignore it either.  It's making me crazy and keeping me alive.  It's a weird life I live now.