Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Ticking clock

One thing I hear consistently from melanoma warriors is worry about time.  We are worried about when the monster will come back.  How long will treatment take? How much time do I have to do x?  Time is a funny and scary prospect for anyone who's been told they have melanoma.

I'm one of the lucky ones. My original time schedule was several weeks for removal procedures and a couple of months of recovery.  I did not have to tick off time for radiation or chemo.  I did not have to tick off time waiting to see how invaded my body was.  I was a lucky one.  I pray for those who haven't been.

This doesn't mean that I've made peace with time though.  Every three months, I have to go back for a few more biopsies.  It used to be 6 months, but my time scale changed with the sighting of the monster hiding.  I haven't made peace with time because the statistics say I'll have another re-occurrence within the next 2 years.  I can't decide if this means I want time to speed up to prove those odds don't apply to me or for time to slow down so I have more of it to find and remove the monster lurking.  There's no peace with time for me yet.

I'm staring down the clock for my next round of biopsies.  I haven't been this nervous since the round after my original diagnosis.  This set will be my first after finding the early stages of the monster this summer.  It's nerve racking. I want my appointment to be here now and then I don't want to go at all.

 Time is either my best friend or my worst enemy.  After 3 years, I still haven't decided which one.

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