Hair!

When most people think of cancer, and its treatment, they think of going bald and losing your hair.  I admit to being one of those people.  I've already talked about knowing I'd get cancer one day.  I knew that with so much certainty that I'd already decided how to handle the chemo part of losing my hair.  I was (and still will) cut it very short and dye it some ridiculous color.... like silver with red highlights.  I figured that if I took charge and made a radical change, then it wouldn't be my hair falling out.  Trust me, it makes sense in my head.  It's why a lot of patients shave their head instead of letting it fall out.  It's about control.

I have survived this round of melanoma without needing radiation and chemo.  I count myself lucky.  I also know the next round may include it.  When I was first diagnosed with melanoma I went into chemical discovery overload.  I tried to find any research related to any possible chemical I have been and might continue to be exposed to.  Of course, coloring my hair came up.  Prior to my diagnosis, I had started to grow tired of the 6-7 week maintenance of hiding my grey hair.  After my diagnosis, I started to wonder if it might be related.  I never found any research that made me think I should do away with it completely.  What I did find after my diagnosis was more self acceptance for what I was hiding.

I started to go grey at 23.  My Grandmother was totally silver at 35.  And beautiful to boot.  I started coloring at about 28ish.... and have been ever since.  This summer I really started to wonder, "Why am I doing this?"  I was sick of the maintenance and missed my real color plus the silver.  So I stopped coloring my hair this summer and watched the grey grow out to get an idea of how grey I really am.  And wow!!!! I'm about 1/3 to 1/2 grey now, but I like the shading and tints of it. Apparently, I'm not a total white color.  I see neat shades of silver and grey and several of my natural brown.  And the more I look, the more I realized that that is me.  The real me.

I am not afraid to be grey.  I am already mistaken for being older than my 40 so being grey won't change that.  What it will change is that people will see the real me.  And I will see a person in the mirror that I accept for who I am. No more hiding behind my hair as a shield.  I will admit that I'm going to miss my long hair.  It's down to my mid-back right now and I'm going up to about 2 or 3" to ease the time it takes to let the old, dyed hair grow out.  I will let it grow back to this length when the color is all mine.

The really cool part about going "all in" with this new hairstyle is that I am able to donate my old hair.  I did this several years ago and will do it again this week.  There is a young girl who needs my hair more than me.  I don't mind going short. Heck, being bald wouldn't bother me like it bothers her.  So, I am donating between 10-12 inches of hair to another cancer patient who needs it now.  I don't.  Call it paying it forward.  And accepting myself for who I am, grey and all.  She can die it silver with red highlights if she wants.  It will be hers to control now.  I'm gladly passing that on to her as I take control of showing who I am now....as a melanoma warrior.