Don't judge.....

Vent ahead...

Don't judge me, you don't know anything about me.  You know that smile I only half returned? It's because a full smile would pull on new stitches over muscles that help me smile. That's the band-aid you can barely see hidden by my hair.

Don't judge me when I don't raise my empty left arm/hand to wave back at you when my right arm is full.  It's because I have a dozen stitches in two sites holding the very tight skin of my shoulder together and raising my arm any higher might rip them out.  That's why that arm is empty but you don't know that because you can't see the bandaging under my shirt.

Don't judge me because I stand in the shade away from the crowd.  It's because the crowd is standing in the sun at its high point and I haven't made peace with the fact that it's trying to kill me yet.  I would love to talk and be social but you didn't take the time to ask why I was standing here.  You judged me and thought I was being anti-social.

Don't judge me because I make my kids wear hats, in the sun, when it's 45 degrees out.  It's because I never, ever, ever want my children to go through what I am.  It's because we don't know if my time as a 7 or 8 year old outside in the winter caused my melanoma and I'm not willing to risk their lives to find out.  Don't judge me because I let them wear camoflauged, military boonie hats.  It's because I respect the military and so do my boys. It does not mean I am a war monger. It means my boys and I compromised because I wanted them with a hat that covered their ears and they think military members are heroes.

Don't judge me when I casually answer "melanoma" when you ask about the bandaging on my arm or face.  It's not because I think this disease is funny.  It's because I refuse to let this disease control my life and my emotions. I take it deadly seriously but you never gave me a chance to explain that because you thought I treated it as no big deal.  I reserve the right to deal with this insidious disease in the most positive way I can.  So, if I joke about asking for a face lift when she stitched up my face, it's a coping mechanism, not denial.

I find I am much more tolerant of people now because I understand assumptions come in all shapes and sizes.  I do everything I can to not judge you, so please don't judge me. I am fighting for my life, but you can't see that.