When you haven't written anything in this long, it's hard to know where to start.... so I'm going to start at the reason I'm posting again. No, the monster isn't back but his ugly stepsister is.
Here's the story: I've been undergoing biopsies every 3 to 6 months this last few years. Unfortunately, 50% come back as dysplastic which puts me at a much higher risk of melanoma, yada, yada, yada. Not cancer but "you're going to get cancer" results. And yet, there's no research to put a timeline on these moles going bad.
So, I was cruising along knowing that at least half of the moles being removed were ones that should be. And then this last round. Bam! Knocked off my feet.
A slight back story first. I changed dermatologists because my primary care doc changed medical groups and I felt like another fresh set of eyes was worth trying. I knew I could change both docs if I wasn't happy. Of course, as a new patient - even one with melanoma history - you have to wait a while for an appointment. When I made the appointment in April the first available she had was in June. 6/26 = my three year anniversary. Nope, I wasn't going to mess with that karma.
I went in and had a great visit but found out this doc isn't one to mess around (which I love) and I walked out of my 3-year anniversary appointment with three new biopsies to celebrate. Again, not arguing with karma here.
The nurse called a week later and said that one of the 3 was dysplastic, another medium grade, one is benign and the third needs a more extensive procedure to remove more surrounding area because "it is an atypical mole." At that point, the world stopped moving. I was just together enough to directly ask if it was cancer and she said no but I wasn't thinking well enough to get more details. This week, I have an hour long procedure to remove a chunk of my lower back. Right at the waistline. Not looking forward to it.
I'm sure someone will wonder why I haven't called back for more information. Why? Because I know myself well enough in this fight to know it wouldn't do me any good. I'll get the lab results when I go in for the appointment. I'll have my journal with me and will take lots of notes to review later when I've forgotten some details. Why? Because they won't have all the answers for me now. They don't know how long I won't be able to run or how long until I can bend fully at the waist. So, I didn't ask. Why? Because cancer sucks and anything atypical enough to require an hour removal gives me enough information on the "cluster f***" scale to deal with. More information is not my friend right now. I'm eating this elephant one bite at a time.
With any luck, I'm seriously over-thinking this and will be running again two days after the procedure with 4 new stitches. There are 2 there now. Is that possible? Not very likely which is why I've made a few adjustments and bought a few skirts/pants that don't have true waistbands to rub, told my running buddies to not wait for me, and delayed leaving on a vacation by a few days. I just hope and believe that this procedure caught the monster before he was fully developed and could cause a bigger battle. That's what I'm going into this appointment believing. That's the first bite/step.
I'll be posting more in the coming days about my 2 year anniversary and how I had to call back a nurse to apologize to. And at some point, I'll vent out the whole "it's just skin cancer" comments I still can't deal with.
My mantra still: Not Without A Fight!
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